Liberties Men Take

( Originally Published 1892 )

However harsh the facts we write about you, Dear naughty men, we could not live without you?

Do men ever attempt liberties with women uninvited or without cause? is a question that has been propounded to me to answer. "Liberties" in this connection might be defined as every look, action or word which could not be indulged in before parent, chaperon, husband, or the whole world, and which could not be understood or explained as an honorable effort to win a lady's hand in marriage.

The word "liberties" might be likened unto charity, as it covers a multitude of sins. It can be classified under three captions:

First:—the coarse liberties attempted by strangers in public places or conveyances—such as following a lady on the street, crossing and recrossing her path, staring her out of countenance while she waits for a car, the nudging of knees or elbows in omnibuses or cars, etc., etc.

Second :—the effort men make to lead young women into unconventional or imprudent actions.

Third :—the attempt at love-making which men make toward many married women.

The question before the house, on this occasion is "Do men attempt any of these liberties unsolicited? "

A great many men and a few women will respond, "No!" But every man in his secret soul knows better, and the few women judge only from their own narrow and limited personal experiences.

I once heard a very sensible man of the world declare it to be his opinion that no lady ever received the slightest discourteous advances from any man without some indiscretion of dress, deportment or speech. Shortly afterwards he married a lady whom he knew to be a paragon of dignity and correctness in all public places.

One day I happened to he visiting at the house when his wife came in from a shopping expedition, laboring under great excitement. • She related how a well-dressed man had followed her into a dry-goods establishment, waited until she had finished her shopping, and had then followed her upon the street, twice passing her and looking back over his shoulder at her. As she hurried up the elevated stairway to escape him, he called out :

"Good by, little darling!"

She was fortunate to find an unoccupied seat in the train, but was obliged to relinquish it quickly on account of the persistent nudging.of the man who sat next her.

Since that day her husband has been discreetly silent on the subject he had previously discussed so positively with me.

The young woman who is forever complaining, however, that some man "keeps staring at her" in public places ought to remember that if she had not looked at him she would not have known he was "staring." It takes Iwo to make a stare annoying!

It would be well to supplement the old adage to "Never look a gift horse in the mouth" with "Never look a strange man in the eyes."

We now reach category No. 2.

It is my opinion that eight men among ten attempt some degree of liberty with unmarried ladies.

It may be no more than the paying of a bold compliment or a devouring inventory with the eyes of her physical charms. It may be a seeming unconscious and lingering clasp of her palm, while he talks of the weather, or says his adieux, or an unnecessary fingering of her wrist while he buttons her glove, or a too familiar embrace in the dance, and it may all take place, and does frequently take place, under the watchful eyes of a chaperon.

The young lady may or may not know that liberties have been taken with her.

If the man be not especially pleasing to her she at least suspects that he is attempting liberties, and repels them. If he is attractive to her she calls them gallantries, usually, and forgives them.

The man who takes these liberties, however, always knows their name, and would be inclined to break the head of any other man who attempted the same conduct with his sister.

But he frequently does not lose respect for the young lady who has allowed him these liberties, because he has always the excuse of her ignorant - innocence.

Young ladies are not expected to know mankind or the world. They not infrequently know more than they are supposed to. This ignorance is the part they are expected to play, and they play well. A man feels it to be his right and privilege to take advantage of this ignorance, with or without encouragement.

A pretty and well-benaved young lady who supports an invalid parent holds a salaried position in a large New York business house which is filled with men.

The proprietor is a married man, who occupies a high social and church position. His face is well known upon the street and in society parlors. Yet this man has on several occasions politely urged this young lady to go out to lunch or dine with him at restaurants or hotels.

He knows perfectly well that to do so would be to cast a shadow of doubt upon her discretion in the eyes of every man in the building and in the restaurant or hotel. He knows it is not a prudent thing for her to do. Were his daughter in such a position, he would want to shoot the man- who attempted such a liberty with her. Yet lie is but one of scores of the pew-holders and money-handlers in this and other cities who urge their young lady employes to similar indiscretions with out cause.

We now come to category No. 3, and with a mental, acrobatic feat I point the pen a moment since used in the defense of my sex directly against it.

We hear not infrequently of youths who commit suicide out of hopeless love for some married woman. Attractive young hostesses, and some not so young, tell their intimate friends how they are annoyed by the love-making of certain men.

I listened not long ago to a woman with half-grown sons, who recounted to me the sorrowful pity she entertained for a young man who had "quite without cause" fallen in love with her.

Now, this is the utmost nonsense. However much a man might fall in love with a married woman, he would never dare put it in words unless she encouraged him.

The chief occupation of the average society man is to discover as early as possible in his acquaintance with an attractive married lady how much love-making she expects. Arrest his first phrase, and he is well satisfied to become your friend, and will shortly confide to you the fact that he is awfully bored with married flirts. Let him proceed, and you have only yourself to blame for what follows.

It is no use to tell me you did rebuke him, and that he insisted on following you about, and that he took the boldest liberties to get near you, and that 'he would talk in such a desperate way to you.

I know men too well to believe you. They are by nature too indolent to pursue a woman who shows them plainly that she does not care for them, and that she does care for her husband.

They will pursue a single woman because they have a lingering hope that they may be finally successful in dispelling her reserve, and becoming her teacher in so-called affairs of the heart. But the woman who is already taught they do not think worth while to pursue unless she holds out some little ray of encouragement.

I have heard a woman scold a man for talking too devotedly to her. Yet the corners of her mouth expressed a flattered vanity. The dullest man reads this sort of language quickly through the magnifying lens of his egotism. It needs only the curve of a lip in a half smile and the droop of a lid to make. him forget the reproving words and renew his liberties.

Perhaps once in a hundred times, a man may feel a sudden unaccountable passion awaken in his heart for a married woman who has not tried to attract him. But unless she does encourage him, he will keep away from her. He is too lazy and too egotistical to follow her about and subject himself to her indifference.

Whenever a man pursues a married woman, or insists on the liberty of making love to her, it is when she encouraged him with her eyes, even if she rebuked him with her lips

We hear a great deal about a man's love of opposition in affairs of the heart. It is true he loves to have a woman say no, and enjoys compelling her to change it to yes. But he never attempts it unless he sees "yes" hidden back under her eyelids.

Look him boldly in the face with "no" in your eyes and on your lips, and he will not bother himself to trouble you with a second negative.

There is a Chinese proverb which says:

"Do not arrange your hat in passing through an apple orchard, or tie your shoe in going through a melon patch."