Mistakes We Make With Men

( Originally Published 1892 )

The most interesting study of womankind is man ; it ever has been, ever will, and ever should be so. Above all other ambitions is woman's desire to please man. Whatever else she achieves she is dissatisfied with herself if she has not done that. Whatever else she has not achieved, she is in a great measure self-satisfied if she 'is popular with the stern sex.

The woman who is forever antagonizing men,who regards them as our natural enemies, to be scolded and found fault with, is quite as obnoxious to her own sex as to mankind. We all pity or dislike her, and wonder what she expects to accomplish by such a course of conduct; yet many of us, who desire to be appreciated, admired and respected by King Man, are making quite as great mistakes in one way or another, in our association with men, as this belligerent man-hater makes in another.

One type of woman who makes a great mistake with men, is she who talks too much about "oppressed woman" and "tyrant man;" while others of us talk too much about "queen woman" and "slave man." Men like to call woman a queen,and declare themselves her slaves; but they are not fond of hearing too much about these relative positions of the sexes from her. The woman who excites attention, or who, by some inborn subtle charm, commands the regard of men, is one being; and the woman who demands it as her right, is another. The young lady who is forever dropping her fan, gloves, parcels, and handkerchiefs for the pleasure of seeing her escort pick them up, thereby proving he is her slave, ceases to be a queen in the eyes of the young man ere long. The young woman who invents all sorts of laborious tasks to test her lover's devotion, makes a mistake, and learns it often to her sorrow, as did the fair lady of old who demanded the flower from the brink of the precipice, and received it together with her disillusioned lover's farewell.

So much has been said regarding the charm of a vivacious manner that many young women attempt to appear animated without any feeling of, or cause for, animation. Nothing is more disastrous than a forced gayety of manner; and many a man is led to wonder uncomfortably if his tie is disarranged, or his collar crooked, when he finds his most commonplace remarks met with a senseless and perpetual laugh, while the mistaken young lady who seems to be on the verge of hysteria, imagines herself bright and animated. Animation must come from within, not from without; it cannot be assumed at will and should never be attempted. It is a mis taken idea to suppose that a quiet gravity of man. ner, or a serious conversation is uninteresting to men; or that to keep them entertained it is necessary to wear a perpetual smile.

I remember once reading an absurd article, written, I think, by Mortimer Thompson, whose pen name was "Doesticks." It describes the efforts of a wife to please a rather fault-finding husband. Having read that a wife should always greet her husband with a smile, she assumed one as her husband's step was heard in the hall, and turned her- beaming face upon him. His greeting, after a wondering glance at her face, was:

"Well, old woman, what are you grinning at?"

I often think of this query when I see the forced effort at gayety made by some young women in society.

Men never like gloomy or cynical women; but a quiet repose of manner pleases them much more than a strained effect at vivacity.

No greater mistake can be made with men than for a woman to boast of her success in winning hearts and proposals. It seems impossible that a woman possessed of one ray of common sense, or a particle of breeding, could do such a thing; yet it is not unusual to hear a young bride requests to a group of admirers, and laughing over "A the susceptibility of mankind. Though they may laugh with her, they are sure to laugh about her among themselves when her back is turned. It is a mistake for a woman o ever be led into lowering her ideals because some man she loves and admires urges her to step down. He invariably curses her if she goes; while if she turns and passes above him, she hears his benediction, and eight times out of ten he follows her.

It is always a mistake for a young lady to talk to a man as if she were blasé and widely experienced in all human emotions, frailties and faults. Many innocent and inexperienced girls adopt this manner, thinking it will render them fascinating in the eyes of men.

Men are not analytic or deep-minded enough in regard to our sex, to realize that a girl who has drank too deeply of the waters of knowledge does not talk of it. Men take us for what we seem, not for what we are. The most hardened mondaine who wears a mask of frank innocence, fares better with them than the good, sweet-hearted girl who puts on blasé airs, and pretends to be a little wicked. Men judge by appearances far more than women do, and, except in cases where women are rivals, they are less liable to condemn one another for a slight lapse of speech or conduct, than men are to condemn us.

It is also one of the mistakes which women some times make, to ask any favor of a gentleman which will incur the least expense for him. No matter how pressing are the circumstances, she should never take the liberty unless he is a near relative. In the various circles of American society, where it is the custom of young men to escort young ladies to theaters and other places of entertainment, it is a mistake for a young lady to ever voluntarily expatiate her fondness for the theater or the concert in his presence. It might be proper to say here, perhaps, that it is a mistake for young ladies to attend such places with young men, unaccompanied by a chaperon. But, though much has been said and written about the chaperon nowadays, I am willing to assert that in the whole of America there are not more than one thousand young ladies who consider the chaperon a necessity, while at least half a million very excellent young ladies are being escorted about by admiring swains every evening in the year.

It is also a mistake for a young lady to correct or scold her parents in the presence of young men, imagining they will admire her culture or courage, or imagine they will not notice it. I heard a wealthy and accomplished young lady at one of our noted sea-shore resorts severely criticised and condemned by a group of gentlemen one day, because one of them had heard her speak unkindly to het mother.

It is a mistake for a woman (wife, mother, sister or sweetheart), to make plans for the disposal of all a man's spare hours, and then expect him to enjoy himself.

It is a mistake for a woman to try to prove to men her great knowledge and superior intellect. they enjoy an intellectual woman when they discover her brightness themselves, but they do not iike to have her force her brains and learning upon them.

But it is just as great a mistake to assume an air of insipidity, and expect a man to think it charming. Men are exacting in their demands. Too much or too little brain in woman is equally offensive to them.

It is the mistake of a lifetime to give a man any liberty which you would not want known, and expect him to keep the matter a secret. The exceptional man will sometimes hide the indiscretion of a young girl whom he believes spoke or acted from ignorance; but the average man, in the highest the same as in the lowest walks of life, boasts of his successes with foolish women, and the rendezvous, the letter, the embrace, or the souvenir which she has given him, thinking it will never be known to others than themselves, is shortly the matter of gossip among a dozen people.

Women hide their secrets far better than men do. They fear the censure of the world too much to share their errors or indiscretions with confidantes. But men are almost invariably vain and proud of their conquests, and relate their achievements with the fair sex to one or two admiring friends. They seldom use names, but let the incidents once be told, it is an easy matter to discover the personages if one is at all curious to do so.

The only way to keep men from betraying our indiscretions is not to commit them. I once made these remarks in the presence of several ladies, and one of them replied, "that she was glad she had never been acquainted with the class of men I knew." At the same time that lady's name had been used lightly in a club room not a week previous, and her indiscreet actions had been commented on by "the class of men" she did know.