How To Obtain The Optimum In The Sexual Life

( Originally Published 1940 )

Avoiding the Dangers of Sex Poverty as Well as of Sex Excesses

MORALISTS are never tired of warning us against sexual excess, but I do not remember ever hearing one of them utter a warning against too little sexual intercourse. Even the Greek gods were always jealous of those mortals who enjoyed too much earthly happiness. I really believe, that if the act of procreation were something very terrible and disagreeable, these selfsame moralists would prevail upon us just as continually not to avoid it but to perform this duty frequently!

From every pulpit thundering denunciations are continually launched upon our heads against unbridled passion, against steeping oneself in sensuality and voluptuousness, as it is generally called, -and this, let it be remarked, in a world in which almost every person longs for a little more love, a little more affection, a little more joy in life! The stripling who has fallen into the bad habit of masturbation,-is that excess? That is sexual poverty!

To be engaged to some nice girl with the happy prospect of an early marriage would be his dearest wish, if that were possible; all those men who are obliged to live alone in furnished rooms and who sometimes from sheer loneliness and lack of affection around them give way to the temptations of drink and prostitution, is that excess?-It is absolute absence of the happiness of love.

Alas, how many persons with beautiful bodies and amiable characters there are in our modern society, who will never have their share of earthly happiness. And all the married people who perhaps practice marital intercourse with the greatest regularity, frightful regularity, to speak the truth about the matter, but who, however, are not at all suited to each other. They give each other no satisfaction, either physically or psychically. Their number is legion.

They are hungry perhaps not on account of too little nourishment, but because the nourishment that is offered them is not suited to their digestion.

Of course there are persons who indulge their passions to excess; excess is harmful in this as in every other function, and for this reason it is advisable to speak of this excess now. But we must not generalise! As a medical man I can remember several cases of sexual excess both in and out of wedlock, but in far the greater number of cases there was a lack, a terrible shortage, and only very rarely a great wealth of enjoyment of love and life. I often witnessed a squandering of strength; but that is no excess, only a misguided use of power.

We have so often referred to this in this book! Especially to precocious excitation of the senses at an early age, and to a wilful artificial creation of a sexual urge; so all this need not now be repeated. Fortunately nature is our best teacher in this matter. Lusty, cheerful, energetic persons do not so readily fall into idle dreaming. And Nature herself sets a limit to profligate waste of energy through fatigue and exhaustion, just as in every other function.

If the moralists really want to do good work, they should help us to attain the optimum; they ought not, however, to be forever preaching the minimum to us. Poor humanity, if we are all doomed to suffer from the minimum!

But for the time being there is not much to be hoped for from our official preachers of morality. They are still living in the dark ages when people were absolutely helpless against excessive fertility and venereal diseases, when the preaching of sexual abstinence as the loftiest ideal was indeed a duty. Nowadays, however, all that has changed. But in order to uphold their old-fashioned views, they maintain a desperate opposition to all hygienic measures and practical advice, which are capable of improving the state of things in this field. Human happiness and the future of the human race must be relentlessly sacrificed to their out-of-date dogmas!

Yet there really are cases in which, through an earnest mode of life and finer gifts of observation, married folks themselves learn that greater moderation and reserve have more beneficial results than too frequent indulgence. Especially is this true of that time of life to which we have already referred in Part V as the approach of old age. And there are also many people for whom, for special reasons, the motto "the less the better" is found the best to follow: for instance, when fatigue and debility, or signs of a weak heart with fear of palpitation and giddiness are manifested. Life is then found to possess other charms, and only more moderate sexual excitement, which is still found very beautiful, will afford the fullest enjoyment in such cases. For as soon as excessive excitement is felt, and the stimulation too strong, especially at the approach of the orgasm, such persons feel too overwhelming an emotion, feel the sensation too much for their strength. They then always make up their minds, that they won't let it go so far next time. Such persons very often feel proud of their heroic resolution, and want to force their own continence on everyone who will listen to them. For them the most moderate indulgence then becomes an excess.

But the married life of fully developed, hale and hearty folk at the summit of their life-energy is quite different. They do not worry themselves or others; they go joyfully about their business or their household duties. Rest and recreation succeed work and activity without anxiety or nervousness. Now and again when their age, their affectionate nature and sexual temperament require it, they consecrate the intimacy of their conjugal bliss. When they reach its highest enjoyment, Nature beckons kindly to them, and they obey the call when it appeals to them. Every one of these occasions is a renewal of the sacred bond; and their sexual intercourse be-comes a fulfilment of their conjugal vows to render each other happy.

They are not at all ashamed; they feel proud of it. They would feel ashamed if they were obliged to stifle their passion in loneliness; that would seem quite wrong and unnatural to them. And how cold and heartless! I once heard a young married lady, after listening to a long sermon in which abstinence had been held up as the ideal state for married people, proudly declare: "I think that is a dirty idea!" She felt deeply wounded in her purest feelings.

No indeed, these sincere people, who duly honour both their bodies and their souls, and live in accordance with the laws of Nature, have no reason for indulging in excess. For if we keep a physiological urge within proper bounds, it never overexcites us. Only morbid deviations lead to over-stimulation, and none so much as a too protracted compulsory abstinence. Only then will passion-ate indulgence be an inevitable consequence. For in such a case, if once one gives way, he is certainly no longer master of himself, and plunges into debauchery. That is the constant danger of excess, which the preachers of abstinence always hold before our eyes as a spectre; but it only exists in their own heated imagination, perverted by abstinence.

The sexual appetite, physiologically considered, is like all other periodic needs. One should learn to control one's reflexes, but when appropriate occasions arise; they should not be deliberately sup-pressed. Nature makes her laws known to us by her barometer of the blood-pressure and the pulse. On the wedding-night, a certain amount of moderation and discretion should be observed; with of course, a little more of giving way on both sides during the honey-moon, for the newly married couple must get used to each other gradually. As a regular habit for the married in the heyday of their lives, indulgence every day of the week is certainly too often, every other day may be taken as a reasonable average; as time goes on they will gradually lengthen the rest periods by themselves, and Luther is said to have given the well-known rule: "twice a week." Later on in life, once a week will perhaps be found sufficient, and then, with the advancing years desire gradually dies down. If we live thus exactly according to natural rules, the foundation of married happiness is secure, and this is the best safeguard of harmonious spiritual love.