The Art Of Love-Making For Different Ages

( Originally Published 1940 )

The most stupid people are always those who think that they know everything. Most people who get married think that they have nothing to learn about it, that Nature points out the right way. They do not understand that they now have a great deal to learn.

Those couples who have anticipated things during their engagement, are still worse off. They were no doubt in the right mood at that time, unusually so in fact, but then their happiness was spoiled, because they were so anxious, so nervous, so afraid of being discovered, and also rather worried over possible consequences. None of these things tended to increase their pleasure, but rather thoroughly to destroy all the more intimate enjoyment. That was the first disappointment; and yet for this, they had run so many risks!

Afterwards, when they are married, everything will run more smoothly, they think; but very often it takes some time before they are able to give full expression to their passion. We may think of a newborn babe, who certainly feels hungry enough, but must practise long at his mother's breast, before the satisfying of his hunger becomes a delight! So that is the second disappointment.

Later on we have made such progress that we think we have become expert, and it all becomes a matter of habit, and so hum-drum that we scarcely give ourselves the trouble to rouse one another to the right mood. That is the third disappointment, and the saddest, because it so often becomes permanent, and perhaps even progressive.

How sad this latter disappointment is, I will endeavour to show more clearly by an example taken from the way we eat; for eating is also a fundamental and impulsive need.

We see how a wild animal gulps down its booty, how an ape crams everything into its mouth, how voraciously a boar eats, although they all know that as soon as the meal is over the taste disappears; it is an unlovely spectacle. But now let us see, how differently they do things in a decent family. The careful housewife has taken no end of pains all the morning to get everything ready punctually and in the best of order; the table is set as for a feast; everyone has his own plate, so that he can take his food in small pieces, separately or mixed, just as he fancies. The different dishes are tasted with care and attention, as long as possible before swallowing the mouthfuls.

And now we come to the question of love. With the lower animals copulation is an attack, a sort of outrage. Think how in our farmyard, the cock, generally so stately, suddenly forgets his dignity and pounces upon one of his hens, just like a bird of prey. And amongst the most uncultured peoples the gentle art of making love is unknown; they have their intercourse, and that's an end of it.

This is very annoying, especially for the wife. Because, as we saw in Chapter 22, her function in the procreative act is entirely different from that of the husband, she requires a much longer time than a man for her congestive function to reach full capacity, and it also takes much longer for her to reach the orgasm, the turning point at which the convulsively increased stimulation abruptly changes to an agreeable release of tension. The traditional politeness, which permits ladies to go first, is only manifested in public and as a meaningless conventionality, but not in this case, where it really matters; for this takes place privately, where no formalities are required. And so many wives are deprived of this 1 greatest of all delights.

But the wife may, in the most leisurely manner, gradually work up to her full ecstasy with the method of coitus known as "Karezza" or Zugassent's discovery, which we fully described in Chapter 22, a method in which one can revel in pleasurable sensations as long as one likes, because the final climax is indefinitely postponed.

This Karezza-method is also scientifically most interesting, because it is a proof that even when a women does not experience any abrupt climax to her ecstasy (see chapter 22), she still may feel much enjoyment in coitus.(2) And many husbands find it most convenient if their wives remain quite passive and leave the unconditional management entirely to them.

But it also happens occasionally that even when plenty of time is given to the wife, many women not only fail to reach the climax, but do not experience the slightest pleasure in the act of coitus.

That this frigidity should be so general in women, is certainly due to the fact that in the female organism the secretory function is muck less prominent, and also depends on the many anti-selective influences of remote and ancient origin. Every girl who shows a passionate nature runs the great danger of being seduced and brought to misery, after which she feels a horror of men; or the risk of venereal disease, or despair or prostitution or even suicide excludes the majority of them from reproduction. Thus they are the victims of man's lack of conscience, and men then grumble at the frigidity of the other women.

This danger that threatens the passionate girl is doubly injurious in the sense that parents and guardians feel themselves called upon in the face of it, to repress her sexuality and to keep her as ignorant as possible of all sexual things; an anti-sexual education that is only too successful in the case of girls on account of the hidden situation of their genitalia. For if these organs are never subjected to local stimulation (see chapter 54) how can local sensation attain its full development?

But on the other hand this local sensitiveness can be greatly dulled through the brutal excitement of masturbation. Whenever women or young girls have come to consult me for loss of sensitiveness, I have asked them: "But when you were a little girl and touched yourself there, did you not feel anything?" and the answer was always that they had done so. In these cases the loss of sensation is not absolute, and improves in time.

For that which has been lost through perverted habits, can be regained through good ones. Meanwhile she must be content with a simply altruistic feeling of pleasure, i.e., with the satisfaction of giving her husband the joy of voluptuous sensations.

And the disappointment of the impotent man arises not so much from the fact that he feels no pleasure himself, for he does not miss it; but rather because he cannot afford his wife the satisfaction that she so greatly longs for, at least not by ordinary coitus. This "non possumus" does not exist for the frigid wife in her relations with her husband; for she demands nothing for herself, she is much more frequently ready to satisfy his desires, she does not even need to be excited and brought into the congestive mood. And this altruistic mutual aid may be most sympathetically felt by both, if the flame of psychic love burns high at the sacrifice.

Even in desperate cases this lack of feeling may later disappear.

I remember the case of a married woman, who told me that she had had absolutely no sensation for the first two years of her married life, and yet had had two children during that time. She became pregnant for the third time, but had a miscarriage, and during her convalescence suddenly became aware that she felt the sensation. Was it only because Nature had endowed her so tardily with those feelings that other young women often feel prematurely? Or was it awakened by the long rest in a warm bed, coupled with good nursing and kind treatment? Or was she so pleased with her recovery, now that she was free from the terrible fear of pregnancy, that haunting spectre which had paralyzed her at coitus?

One thing is certain, henceforward she adopted preventive measures, and her subsequent conjugal life was very happy.

We should not be surprised that so many married women experience so little pleasure, because it is generally the husband who takes the initiative and always chooses the most favourable moment for himself. How humiliated he would feel if she were to take the initiative for once, and what a long time he would need to recover from his surprise. Even in the first love-proposals the man always thinks it is his privilege to take the initiative.

It is still more unfortunate that the wife is nearly always allotted the less advantageous position in the act of coitus, which renders freedom of movement almost impossible for her at the critical moment. But if just for once, this traditional position is reversed, and the husband lies underneath, so that the under-surface of his penis glides along in her vulva instead of the whole member entering the vagina, then she can be mistress of the situation, for once. She can now take as much time as she wishes, almost or quite independent of the question whether the husband is ready or not; she can now adjust the rate of movement to a nicety and reach the climax at the moment which suits her best. It is not difficult for the husband, lying in this position, to delay his orgasm, and as soon as it is his turn, to resume the position which is most convenient for him.

The secret of this inverted method of coitus lies in the fact that in ordinary coitus, on account of the inconvenient situation of the genital organs (see chapter 27) and still more if the wife is inclined to be fat, the clitoris is not rubbed or touched in the correct manner, and sometimes not at all.

That is why Ernst Klotz in his book, "Man the Enigma" (Das Weltratzel Mensch), pub. Giesecke, Dresden, 1921, says that vaginal coitus should always be effected with the woman on all fours, as was originally the case with all of the higher animals, so that the clitoris should not be crushed by the hard upper-sun face of the penis, but gently rubbed by its under-surface, where the urethra projects like a soft ridge between two hard edges.

Now all remains as before (see chapter 27) inasmuch as the husband presses his legs together, while the wife spreads hers as wide as possible. This method can also be used as a supplementary one, if the husband has had his satisfaction too quickly. Indeed, if the husband is completely impotent, this method is always at least as satisfactory as the homosexual mutual coitus of two women.

The ideal, that the climax should be reached by both partners at the same instant, is a rare occurrence, and this makes no difference to the voluptuous sensation. Nor is coincidence an indispensable condition of conception, if conception is desired.

Generally speaking, it would be much better, if the husband had enough regard for his wife's feelings, only to approach her when he noticed that she was in the right mood, which he can easily ensure by kind words or by caressing her generally or locally. The charm of love should be conjured up afresh each time. And this is the more successful the more the couple get accustomed to each other day by day.

Every person has one or more erotically sensitive spots on the surface of his body, or there is some kind of handling or tickling that arouses his desire; and in the same way he finds that certain influences are destructive to these feelings and cause the ecstasy to disappear immediately. As erogenic spots I may specially mention the lips, the tongue, the nipples, the buttocks, the urethral orifice and the external genitals; and as erotic stimuli: stroking, pinching, scratching; or kissing, biting, licking, sucking, etc. These individual peculiarities do not simply originate from mere accidental experiences or from associations of thought or feeling, but go back to reminiscences of childhood, or even more remote periods of animal evolution, something like the mimicry to which Darwin has alluded.

Here there is room for a great deal of improvement before the actual state of the highest love will be so idealised that painter and sculptor, poet and composer can give worthy expression to this theme; just as they now depict a family festival or the loving attitudes of an engaged couple.

The magic charm that emanates from odours and perfumes may have a very direct and seductive effect. It is indeed a fixed law, that the shorter the distance from which our senses receive an impression, the more intimately will our consciousness perceive it. Our eyes and ears often receive impressions from a great distance; but we can only perceive odours when they are quite close.

In animals the sense of smell is only surpassed by the sense of taste. But the climax is represented by the feeling of being touched intimately. Odours have a very different effect on various individuals. Strong and penetrating perfumes (see chapter 13) have the most exciting effect on people of a coarse nature; for more highly refined persons, however, the fresh smell of clean clothing has greater effect.

We come now to the great difficulty that generally stands in the way of harmonious satisfaction. Individual peculiarities differ far more in the psychic respect than in the material, and yet people long so greatly to afford each other the most wonderful ecstasy. One man needs jollity, gaiety, another seriousness or even a sickly sentimentality, in order to obtain the desired effect. Some people give vent at the last moment to coarse and immoral, or even indecent expressions; and there are men and women, too, who cannot feel satisfied until they have caused their partner or themselves a little pain. In most cases, however, gentle caresses are far more effective, just as a slight tickling on the soles of our feet drives us crazy, while a rough touch has no effect, or makes us cross.

All these individual differences are subject to the influence of temperament, habit, age and traditional associations; besides which they constantly change with the mood and circumstances of the moment. How greatly, for instance, alcoholic drinks can influence our moods and lead us astray. How difficult it is to come to a harmonious agreement in this condition, because we do not even under. stand ourselves properly, and our intellect deserts us. Words are useless, and the only expression of our feelings is an unconscious sigh, either of disappointment or of passion.

It is only when we reflect on all this that we can begin properly to understand the great mystery of individual love; why should it he he, and no other man? or why she, and no other woman? Why do these souls seem so adapted to each other? Yes indeed, we must even wonder that two congenial souls can find each other at all. In most cases people are led to love each other through a gradual getting used to each other that takes years, but sometimes through a sudden overwhelming rush of sympathy. The latter is indeed the more romantic, but the former is more likely to ensure lasting conjugal happiness. More cultured people insist on a long engagement before binding themselves by marriage for their whole life.

And in marriage, the longer the partners have shared joy and sorrow, the more harmoniously will they agree. Sexual intercourse then becomes more and more a harmonious satisfaction and as they get older is found more agreeable and beneficial than each new liaison, even if longed for eagerly, as a new charm. And who knows how harmful such temerity may prove to us, just on account of its unwonted charm?

Finally, with the advance of years, there comes a time when ordinary marital intercourse becomes too fatiguing and trying for us; and then we reach a period in which we still perceive the sexual urge and feel it to be highly agreeable, because it makes us feel so young and lively once again,-but if we yield to it we feel exhausted, enervated, disappointed, and doubly aged!

So we have gradually reached a similar transitory period, as once when we were young (see chapter 55), and we used to feel the urge as something so agreeable, and the satisfaction as a disappointment. The ideal of the full love-life must now yield to the deal of asceticism, and henceforth we feel better if we restrict our. selves as much as possible.

At both of these transitory periods in our lives the procreative act appears to us to be a squandering of strength, an improper expression because after the act is accomplished we feel ourselves tired, exhausted and nervous, while at the same time when our manly strength is at its height, we feel calm and content after each normal connection, as though our strength were renewed.

To be able to judge in each particular case, which is the more indicated and beneficial to our psychic life, sexual abstinence or the manifestation of mutual affection, demands more tact and delicacy than most people possess. Formerly this was much worse, when the majority of married couples behaved far more thoughtlessly and inconsiderately towards each other than they do now. But in modern times, with our higher differentiation (see chapter 49), we pay more attention in married life to the ethical significance of our actions, and feel our responsibility to each other more strongly. It is greatly to the credit of those who preach abstinence that they draw attention to this sphere by their criticisms; it is only a pity that they often speak in such a dogmatic and stereotyped manner, and do not take the various ages and individual differences into consideration.