The Modern Art Of Mutual Satisfaction For Married Lovers

( Originally Published 1940 )

How we come to the awakening of spring! The more we approach the age of sexual maturity, the more irresistibly we feel the attraction of the other sex. At first we were delighted if we could see each other from a distance, if we could exchange glances, and if no one was looking, make signs to each other. But we tried more and more to get near each other, and to show all sorts of attentions; to bring each other a little present or a few flowers, just for the sake of seeing each other again for a few moments to say a few words, or simply to touch each other. Every touch of the loved one is like an electric spark. Adolescent love is still unselfish. Like unspoilt children or rather like puppies or kittens, they pull each other's hair or pinch each other, anything just to hurt a little.

The ideal is to be near each other, quite close; the feeling of proximity is like sunshine. And it is a real delight, to wrestle together and to tease; a hunger for massage. We draw nearer and nearer; our skin is too hard and dry, a kiss on the lips is much nicer; a passionate kiss as a reminiscence of our first vital function and a foretaste of a subsequent delight.

But for the time being the young people's thoughts do not take them so far. And they are so pleased if they can be alone, together without witnesses. And I must admit that precisely on account of this double material and spiritual character, the spectacle of two sweethearts has something absurd and unreasonable. If we do not share in the intoxicating feeling, our presence is a profanation,

It is remarkable that the most delicate impressions received from the other person often produce the greatest effect, e.g., breathing, the warmth of the body, the rays of light that flash from the eye, etc. Caresses are lavished on all parts of the body, and unconsciously there awakes a new glow, the sexual glow, through which we are more fascinated than ever. Whenever two young people meet, they feel the new glow of life as a mutual charm.

It is a revelation to the young man that such an ideal world can blossom forth from what was at first only a material sexual charm. For the young girl it is a revelation, when she finds at last the material solution to what she had so long felt spiritually.

Henceforward they feel themselves united in a new enthusiasm. They are happy only when they are together; and everything they are working for, all they do, only possesses a value in their eyes insofar as it may help them to meet each other again, and to prepare their future life as a united couple. So they pass imperceptibly from springtime to midsummer, when all will be in full bloom.

They toss to and fro in their beds at night, feeling more lonely and abandoned than before; all their thoughts are with the loved one. They control their sensuality, and keep themselves sacred for each other. All their efforts and energies are strained with one object; soon to be united, to that end no trouble is too great. The heart beats more quickly, the breast heaves higher, and how one can blush at times! But no longer from fright or timidity as in the calf-years, but now from anticipated pleasure.

I willingly leave the finer psychic analysis to the poet and novelist. Psychology and art begin with the ideal and finish with the material realisation; but as a physician I have rather chosen to proceed from the material to the spiritual, and so we both at last reach to the same result. To my mind poetry is often a little indefinite, I am perhaps a little too concrete for the artistically minded. At any rate it is necessary for the reader to try to reach the ideal from the concrete side; both methods have their special advantages and are complementary.

In love there is also a wide field for biological research, This is no profanation; for here also a higher self-consciousness is the first step to improvement. There are so many rocks and shoals that might have been avoided! And this world so rich in pleasures may be enjoyed still more and appreciated more consciously.

With all these sexual stimuli, we experience an increase of the energy of our heart-beat, of temperature and strength. These we thoroughly explained in Part H. Especially we feel increased massage-therapy. In Chapter 25 we discussed the question of the normal body-massage through all our movements being greatly increased by love's awakening; we will now go a step further and enquire how this intensified massage can also react and again increase the charm of love.

First of all, we must reflect that the proper satisfaction of all these finer stimulations demands much time; there should never be any undue haste. With machinery, if we wish to get tremendous rapidity we can do so, though the result is frequently some terrible accident. The intoxication of love, on the other hand, can no more be hurried than sleep can when we go to bed.

As I have said already, it is the gentlest and most delicate caresses which, because they are so soft and ethereal, charm us the most. And this is a fundamental difference between the biological cell function on the one hand and mechanics on the other. In the latter case, the result is proportionate to the force expended, while the biological consequence of these caresses is not.

There is however, one mysterious thing in this connection. Why is it that every touch of our doctor, or friend or lover brings us calm and peace, while there are other people whose touch would horrify us and be most disagreeable?

We must learn from massage, if we would solve this problem. We can indeed think of sexual love as the high school of massage; and vice versa a knowledge of the secrets of massage is the best method of perfecting our sexual relationships. Thus a well-informed man can always further refine and multiply his more delicate mental and physical feelings. The love of the heart will thankfully recognise this. And all that I am going to say now applies not only to the mutual caresses of engaged couples, but even to the sexual intercourse of the married which is the climax of courtship.

What does a celebrated masseur or accomplished masseuse do? They never show undue haste; on the contrary, they are always quiet and gentle. They pay attention to every detail, particularly the temperature and degree of moisture. In delicate cases the masseur will never begin without first bathing his hands in hot water. And during the massage, chill must be carefully avoided. And indeed a sudden cooling down of the massaged portion of the body, which might prove injurious, should always be prevented, for instance, by rubbing it with a warm dry towel.

The real secret of accomplished massage lies in a very gentle beginning and end of the operation; the movements should be more energetic in the middle, i.e., there is a gradual rising and falling curve. This applies to each individual movement, as well as for each treatment, and for the whole series of treatments prescribed. This is the secret of massage just as it is the secret of Nature; Nature always work on this principle, always on the plan of this curve. And that is why the principle is always found so beneficial.

In psychic intercourse also, this principle is important; and not only in the psychic intercourse of lovers, engaged couples and the married. A medical man attending children, or even approaching animals, sees this very well. If he approaches them too suddenly he frightens them at once.

Further, the more extensive the surface massaged, the greater the success, a masseur will never limit his attention to the exact spot in which the pain is localised. Just as a little child who has been given some bonne bouche enjoys it the more, the greater the surface that can be brought into contact with his face and hands, so can a couple feel much more pleasure when they have passionately embraced each other for some time, instead of abruptly performing the sexual act.

The younger a person is, the more sensitive are all parts of the body, even to the gentlest touch. We should, therefore, be very chary of rough handling of the very young, because their delicate sensibility would thereby be quickly dulled. And naturally those spots retain the greatest sensibility which are always only very gently touched: our mucous membranes, so soft and warm, and our genital organs. These latter should never be touched at first, so that later on the greatest excitement and the highest ecstasy may be felt from them; at the final moment the ecstasy may even amount to pain.

But at those portions of the body which feel no stimulus, sensibility cannot be developed; sensitiveness to touch is lacking, for instance, on the surface of the back, especially at those spots which we are unable to reach with our hands. So a person who was never caressed in childhood, must go through a regular schooling before he can be at all capable of feeling and enjoying caresses.

In concluding this chapter, I want to consider a turning point in our love-life, I mean the transition from purely ideal to conscious sexual love. One person arrives earlier and another later at this point in life, where the two streams, the material and the ideal, converge; or to speak more correctly: at the spot where we become aware that these two streams belong most intimately to each other.

This individual divergence, by means of which the one is conscious of it so much earlier than another, constitutes a certain danger between the two lovers. For the one who awakens first, thinks that the other one is fearfully cold, does not reciprocate, and feels himself cruelly deceived; for he feels so warmly him-self! Whilst the other finds him sensual, animal, disgusting. Both feel wounded in their most sacred feelings, without knowing exactly why; nor can they explain the reason to each other. I have often seen a love affair that started out beautifully, wrecked in this way; and frequently the couple have separated in horror of each other!

Here again, the same undue haste may spoil everything in the love life. If, for instance, this ardent wooer lover had only devoted sufficient time to his female partner to help her to the same consciousness, she would soon have acquired it, and who knows how doubly happy they would have been together.